


Blackmail with No Regrets

by KamiSamaNejiMaki



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Actual romantic chemistry, Asexual Hange Zoë, But no smut sorry folks, Character's Name Spelled as Hanji, Consent, Consent is Sexy, DJ Otabek Altin, Did I mention that everyone's gay?, Don't question it, Drinking, Drunk Hange Zoë, Eren and Levi are both sober, Eren is Actually a Huge Dork, Eren is hot, Everyone Is Gay, Everything is consensual, Farlan is a good bro, Farlan makes good margaritas apparently, Fluff, Forward Eren, Humor, I put the "sensual" in consensual, Levi doesn't want the D, Levi is a good designated driver, Levi is the designated driver, Levi totally wears eyeliner, Levi's a little oblivious, Looking at YOU Hanji, Lots of Cursing, Lust at First Sight, M/M, Mike is a tree, No age gap, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Nothing is underage, Party, Petra is an angel, Power couple on ice, Sexual Tension, Surprise Ending, Teasing, Yurio is totally his bf, almost, born to ship victuuri, but he's the DD, but not literally this time, gives me life, he pretends he doesn't care but he does, so joke's on him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 13:47:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10309487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KamiSamaNejiMaki/pseuds/KamiSamaNejiMaki
Summary: Levi has regretted A LOT of the things that Hanji has manipulated him into doing.This time, Hanji's blackmailed him into being a designated driver for Izzy's party.  Levi is SO EXCITED to be going.  Not.  He quickly loses track of Hanji and tries to hunt them down before they do something stupid.  Levi meets Eren Jaeger and nothing is ever the same.AKA pure fluff with a little sexual tension.  No one is breaking any laws and there is no dubious consent of any kind because that's a one way trip to killing fluff.  Rated Teen and Up for cussing, lust, and use of alcohol (by of-age adults).





	

Levi has regretted _a lot_ of the things that Hanji has manipulated him into doing.

* * *

“Leeeeeviiiiiiii~!”Hanji sings, coming up behind Levi’s chair and resting her head on top of Levi’s.

“Fuck off Hanji, I’m trying to work.”  Levi growls, swatting at Hanji and pushing them off.

“I need a favor, Levi.Will you help me?” 

“Fuck no.Go bother Eyebrows or something, I’m busy.”

“But Levi…”Hanji whines.

“I said no, Hanji.”

“Fine, I’ll just have to show everyone that _special video_ that I have of you-”

“Hanji, I swear to god, I will defenestrate you if you dare to finish that sentence.”Levi snarls.

“So you’ll do it?”

“I don’t have much of a fucking choice, do I?”

“Not really, but it’s not that bad, I swear!”

“You say that every fucking time, Hanji.I’m not going to fall for that bullshit again.”

“I do not!”

“Sure you don’t.Are you going to tell me what it is you’re blackmailing me into or not?”

“Oh yeah!Erwin and I are going with a bunch of friends to a party at Izzy’s tonight.Farlan said that he was going to bring his world-famous margaritas…”

“I’m not going there just to get wasted with you.I’ll do something I regret and you’ll be right there with your camera.”

“No, no, I wouldn’t force you to drink.C’mon Levi, give me some credit!I wanted you to come along so you could be the designated driver!”

“So you want me to play babysitter for a bunch of drunk 22 year olds who don’t know their own limits yet?”

“When you put it like that you make it sound like it’s no fun!You’ll get to see us all wasted off our asses!”

“Yay.”Levi deadpans, rolling his eyes.

“Everyone is meeting at my house first, so just be there at 7:45 and everyone will be ready to go.See you then!!!Thanks Levi, you’re the best!”Hanji exclaims, giving Levi a quick hug before dashing off to hell knows where, leaving Levi alone with his books once more.

“Why the hell am I still friends with that fucker?”

* * *

Despite all his grumbling and growling, Levi keeps his word and arrives at Hanji’s house at exactly 7:45.  He rolls his eyes as he waits for Hanji to respond to his impatient rapping on the door, shoving his hands in his pockets.  Hanji throws the door open with a wild grin, checking out Levi’s attire.  Levi opted for a comfortable look, pairing some dark skinny jeans with a faded blue baseball sleeved shirt, the hem breezy and loose at the bottom and the deep blue sleeves bunched up at his elbows.  Levi’s favorite steel-toed combat boots shine brightly in the porch light, as do the half-dozen piercings littering his ears, catching the light and creating a dazzling array of stars around them.  Well-worn bracelets pile up on his left wrist, the faded ribbons and knots straining slightly as Levi clenches and unclenches his fist impatiently.

“Are you wearing eyeliner, Levi?And that shirt really brings out your eyes!Ooh, are you going to try to pick someone up tonight?You could stand to get laid!”

“Shut the fuck up, shitty glasses.Like I’d let some inebriated brat take advantage of me or vice versa.Unlike you, I actually have some fucking standards.Are you fuckers ready to go or not?”

“Yeah, we were just waiting on you.Come on guys, our ride is here!”

Erwin, Mike, and Nanaba come to the door, greeting Levi politely as they pass, unlike Hanji who yells “Shotgun!” and makes a dash for the passenger’s seat of Levi’s car.Levi only clicks his tongue and follows the rest of the group back to the vehicle, taking his place behind the wheel while he waits for the other riders get settled in the back.Ever the gentleman, Mike takes the middle seat, earning a snort from Levi, the sight of the tree of a man shoved awkwardly in the smallest seat of the car amusing him endlessly.In his peripheral, he spies Hanji bouncing up and down in place, immediately kicking Levi’s derisive and irritated attitude back into high gear. 

“Just to be clear, you guys are on your own tonight.You guys will be making your own choices on how much you drink, so if you get wasted, that’s on you, not me.I will not stop you from doing something potentially humiliating, in fact, you can bet your asses that I will be there to videotape the occasion and tease you ruthlessly for it later.If you make a mess of any kind in my car, I cannot guarantee your survival.Do I make myself clear?”

A chorus of yeses resound in the car and when Levi is satisfied, he turns the key in the ignition and pulls the car out of the driveway, keeping his eyes fixed on the darkening road ahead of him as light chatter fills the car.

“I’m so excited to have some more of Farlan’s margaritas!They’re the best!It’s exactly what I need to destress before midterms start next week!”Hanji squeals.

“Do you know who’s DJ-ing tonight?”Erwin asks.

“I think Izzy brought in this new DJ tonight…His name’s really weird.I want to say his name is Otabell?Otabae?Otabek!His name is Otabek.According to Izzy, he’s hot stuff but he’s got a boyfriend already.”Hanji replies.

“So Connie’s not DJ-ing anymore?”Nanaba asks.

“He is, but he went abroad this quarter.I’m pretty sure he and Sasha chose to go to Ireland together. Or maybe it was Germany?Oooh, though speaking of Germany, Armin’s best friend Eren just came back from his six month exchange to Germany.I wonder if he’ll be at the party tonight?I’ve never met him myself, but I’ve heard only good things about him.”Erwin praises, glowing at the mention of his boyfriend Armin.Levi makes a small retching sound from his place behind the wheel and Hanji catches onto the fact that Levi’s actually been paying attention to the conversation.

“He sounds interesting.Too bad I’m asexual and none of you guys are single.Though I guess Levi’s a free agent tonight…”Hanji teases.

“There’s nothing free about my attendance tonight.You literally blackmailed me into chaperoning you guys and I’m going to probably end up chasing after you drunk fuckers all night long.I won’t have time for being a ‘free agent’ as you so kindly put it, even if the shit stain is attractive.That also doesn’t guarantee that he’s gay either, so you should get that shitty image out of your head right now, four eyes.”Levi snaps, the resentment in his tone shattering the fun atmosphere in an instant.

“Okay, okay, I get that you’ve got your panties in a twist about coming to the party tonight.Try to enjoy yourself a little tonight, Levi.If you can’t find any way to enjoy yourself, and you have to _genuinely try to have fun_ , I’ll make it up to you.”

“If ‘make it up to you’ means deleting that stupid fucking video, then you have yourself a deal.” 

“Sounds fair to me.”Hanji shrugs, leaving the car in silence.

“… Sooo the power couple on ice is back from St. Petersburg at long last!They’re just as in love as when they left, if not more so than before!”Nanaba squeals.

Levi just groans and forces himself to keep his eyes on the road and not hit his head against the steering wheel.

* * *

“Come on in everybody!  So glad you guys could make it!  Drinks are in the kitchen, so feel free to help yourselves!”  Izzy gushes, ushering everyone in and playfully slapping Hanji’s ass as everyone walks in. 

Levi rolls his eyes for the thousandth time that day, making a beeline for the kitchen to check out the variety of alcohol being served.Eying the array of drinks, he is relieved to only see margaritas, piña coladas, beer, soda, and water being served, somewhat tame drinking options with a good selection of soda alternatives for nondrinkers and those looking to take a break from the alcohol.

“Get dragged along to be the DD tonight, Levi?”

“How’d you guess?”Levi intones, greeting Farlan with a fist-bump.

“You were scoping out the bar but weren’t grabbing anything, despite being clearly agitated.I know you try to gauge the damage before it even happens.You want to know at what point to cut your charges off before they destroy their livers.”

“You make it sound like I care about those assholes.”

“We both know that you do, so stop trying to act like such a tough guy.You’re actually just a big teddy bear.Er, small teddy bear.”Farlan teases.

Farlan’s comment earns him a smack upside the head, but he laughs good-naturedly and lets it go, knowing he probably deserved it. 

“Can I get you something non-alcoholic to drink then?” 

“I’ll grab something later.I should probably see where Hanji ran off to.I trust Mike and Nanaba to look out for each other and Erwin is smart enough to not get wasted, but Hanji is a loose cannon and a pain in my ass.I’ll see you around, smart ass.”

“See ya, Levi.”Farlan waves as Levi leaves, heading into the living room where the majority of people are.

The music is loud, the beat making the floor pulse with the rhythm.Sweaty bodies writhe against each other, many couples borderline humping each other on the dance floor.Levi huffs and gets up on his toes, trying to peer over the crowd to find Hanji’s mess of hair.He finally spots the brown mop in the fray right as new song comes on, making it even harder to push through the grinding mass of people.Levi pushes through, but one particularly eager and absorbed couple bumps into him, pushing him hard.Levi would have fallen over if not for colliding with a broad chest, a low grunt uttered at the sudden collision.Strong hands grab his arms and shoulders, helping Levi to right himself.

“Sorry about that, some horny motherfuckers bumped into me-“ 

_Bend me over a table and fuck me sideways.He’s hot._

Levi is frozen when he looks up and makes eye contact with the stranger he bumped into, mesmerized by the man’s messy chocolate hair, flushed cheeks, and mesmerizing green eyes.

“Don’t worry about it.” 

Every single word, innocently silky smooth and breathless, goes straight to Levi’s pants.

Levi’s eyes silently rake over the other man’s body, broad shoulders and bulging biceps showcased perfectly by a sleeveless black leather jacket.Dark denim sits low on his hips, a small sliver of black fabric peaking out between that makes Levi’s fingers twitch with need.

“Hey, are you okay?You seem pretty out of it.”The man asks, cocking his head with concern.

_I’d be better if you had me up against the wall and had your tongue in my mouth._

“I-I’m fine.Just having trouble finding someone I came with.”

“Your girlfriend?”The man asks, his face a calculated neutral.

“No, my shitty friend who dragged me here to ‘have some fun’ under the guise of being the designated driver.”

“I could help you, if you want.”The man offers with an easy smile.

“That would be great, thanks.Let’s get out of this mosh pit first, yeah?”

The mystery man smiles even wider at the suggestion, his easy smile utterly entrancing.He immediately grabs Levi’s hand, pushing through the crowd and pulling Levi behind him, his warm, strong hand gripping Levi’s reassuringly tight.Levi is a touch breathless by the time they find their way out of the crowd, partially from fighting through the swarm of sweaty bodies and partially from the sight of the man’s shapely ass.The crowd is practically wall to wall, so Levi ends up right against the wall, the man’s body shielding him from the writhing masses but keeping him from going anywhere else.

“So, what next?” 

“Do you know Hanji Zoe?Messy brown ponytail, shitty glasses, crazy brown eyes?”

The man’s smile drops, his brow furrowing, something dark stirring in his eyes, but before Levi can identify it, the expression is gone, replaced by a soft and resigned smile.

_That smile is so fake that it hurts.Why is he smiling like that?What happened to the smile from before?_

“Regrettably, I don’t know a Hanji.I’ll still try my best to help you in your search.”

_Why are your eyes filled with hurt?_

“Are you sure?I know it’s not exactly fun and you don’t even know me-”

“But I’d like to.If that’s okay with you.”

It’s not a question.It’s a request.A request that makes Levi’s heart flutter as he falls into the man’s honest and unguarded gaze.The man’s forwardness is intimidating but endearing and refreshing.And Levi knows in a heartbeat that the sentiment is returned.

“Levi.”

“What?”

“My name.You said you would like to know me, right?”Levi trails off, hoping his nervous blush can’t be seen in the darkness of the room.

But it’s worth it to see the man’s expression brighten with unbridled joy, childlike and infectious.

“Levi.That’s a beautiful name; it’s very fitting.I’m Eren.”The man, Eren, grins, offering his hand for Levi to shake.

“The pleasure is all mine.”Levi automatically responds, his flush darkening in response to the compliment, taking Eren’s hand and shaking it firmly.

“Quite the contrary, but I’m flattered.So where to start?Where could have your friend run off to?”

“I have no idea.”

“Is there a person that Hanji would seek out?”

“Oh no.Petra.”

“Petra?”

“She’s an actual angel.Hanji’s fallen hard and if they’re inebriated, oh god…”

“Do you mean…?”

“No.Hanji wouldn’t make unwanted sexual advances.They would, however, pester the ever-loving shit out of Petra, which she does not deserve.”

“So we need to rescue her?”

“Most likely.”

“Sounds like an adventure.”

“Pfft, you make it sound like some grand quest to save a damsel in distress.”

“Alas, it is not so, for I am no knight in shining armor.However, if I was, I doubt I’d be rescuing damsels in my spare time.”Eren proclaims with a wink.

“And why’s that?”

“For many reasons, one of which is that many a fair lady are not looking to be saved, especially by a man stinking of sweat and ego.It’s quite unattractive on all fronts.”

Levi can’t hold in his amusement any longer, a chuckle escaping before he can stop it.

“Oh my god, you’re actually a huge dork.”Levi laughs.

“In short, yes.Hopefully it does not dissuade you?”

“It probably should…”

“Ouch.You wound me so.”Eren gasps dramatically, grasping at his heart.

“Yet, somehow it doesn’t.”Levi grins.

“I’m happy to hear that.Now let’s go find your friend, yes?”

Levi nods, brazenly taking Eren’s hand and guiding him into the next room.

* * *

“…And that’s how I had Erwin in a maid dress, cleaning my floor on his hands and knees, while I sipped tea and watched.”  Levi smirks.

Eren is doubled over laughing with tears in his eyes, struggling to breathe.

_I’ve probably overshared, but his laugh is too fucking precious for words._

“T-that’s priceless!Oh my god…” 

“If that doesn’t prove my friends are idiots, I don’t know what does.”

“Oh my god, I have to meet your friends!They sound like a riot!”

“Well, that’s assuming we can find Hanji at all.”

“To your credit, I’ve been distracting you, so we haven’t been the most productive searchers.”

“HEEEEEEY~! SHORTSTAAAAAAAAACK!”

Levi turns to see Hanji draped over Petra, margarita in one hand and waving it all over the place.

“See Petraaaaa, I tuld uuuuuuu he’d respondto it~!”Hanji giggles, taking another swig of alcohol.

“God fucking dammit Hanji, I told you not to call me that!”Levi grits out, stomping over to Hanji and hitting them over the head.

“OOOOOOOWWWWWW!Leeeeeeviiiiiiii, guuuuuesswhaaaaa?I ask’d Petraaaa ooooout!”

“Petra, for the love of everything holy, please tell me you did not say yes.”

“I did… on the condition that Hanji could remember tomorrow morning.” 

“Shit, get another drink!We need to get Hanji as wasted as possible.”

“PSSSSSH, THA’S NOT GONNAWURK, LEEEEEEVIIIII…!MY MIUND’S A SSSSSTEEL TRAP!”Hanji giggles.

Levi raises an eyebrow and casts Petra a meaningful look.Petra only shrugs and smiles.

“Who was your friend there, Levi?” 

“Oh, this is Eren, he’s been helping me search for Han-Eren?”

Levi turns around and realizes that Eren is no longer with him and his heart sinks.

“HUUU’S DAT WID ALL THE GURLS? HE’S SOOOOOOO PREEEETY!HE’S JUUUUUUS YUR TYYYPE TOOOOOOO LEEEEEE!”Hanji drunkenly slurs, pointing out Eren on the far side of the room.

There are two girls wearing skimpy, sparkly dresses clinging to each of Eren’s bare arms, cooing over him and touching him, trying to get his attention.The mere sight makes Levi’s blood boil. 

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”Levi grits out, not even waiting for a response before pushing through the crowd of people to get to Eren.

“What’s such a handsome man like you doing alone tonight?”

“We can take away all of your loneliness~!”

Levi wants to wretch at the fake sugary sweetness of the girls’ lilting tones as he comes into view.

“That sounds like a wonderful offer-” 

Levi stops abruptly, watching with wide eyes and a shattered heart as one girl plants a kiss right on Eren’s lips.Levi lets out a shuddering breath, turning to leave, a loud gasp making him stop.

“I don’t remember saying you could kiss me.”

Levi turns back in time to see Eren push the girls away.Eren’s hand grips his zipper on his leather jacket and yanks down to reveal his black tank top underneath, making Levi choke on his own spit when he reads the words printed on the shirt.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to someone that is far more worthy of my time than either of you two are.I’m going to politely suggest you two get a cab home.Goodnight.”Eren excuses himself curtly, making a quick escape.

Eren’s emerald eyes skim the crowd, quickly locking onto Levi and making a beeline straight for the shorter man.Levi hurries to stifle his laughter, covering his mouth with his hand, but Eren reaches him before he can get himself under control.

“What are you laughing at?”

“I can’t believe someone put ‘SORRY LADIES, I SUCK DICKS’ on a tank top and you _bought_ it.You might as well get ‘I’M GAY’ permanently tattooed on your forehead.”

“What can I say?I wanted to send a message.Some people think ‘no’ means ‘yes’ and ‘get lost’ means ‘take me, I’m yours.’”Eren smirks.

“Did you just fucking quote Hercules?”

“I sure did.”Eren grins, self-satisfied.

“You’re such a fucking dork.”Levi sighs, rolling his eyes.

“In short, yes.Hopefully it does not dissuade you?”Eren chuckles.

“It probably should, and yet, somehow it doesn’t.”Levi smiles softly, moving closer to Eren.

“Are you feeling the same thing I’m feeling?”Eren asks, his voice quiet and hopeful.

“I hope so.Close your eyes?”

Eren takes a shuddering breath in, nodding and closing his eyes as asked, feeling Levi’s hand cup his cheek.Eren leans into the touch, wanting to be closer and finds his body flush against Levi’s.This close, Eren can hear Levi lick his lips and he waits for a kiss… that never comes.Instead, a wet napkin rubs across his lips roughly and Eren’s eyes are open in an instant.Levi smirks and pulls back the wet tissue, revealing it to be bright pink.

“You really think that I was going to kiss you without asking you?Besides, your lips are disgusting with that stupid woman’s shitty lipstick on, so hold still and let me clean up your face.It must feel gross.”

Eren laughs, letting Levi wipe away the last remnants of the lipstick from his face.

“You know, I think I’ll only feel better once that nasty kiss has been replaced with a better one.”Eren teases.

“Have you had anything to drink tonight?”

“Nope, I’m cold sober.Drinking makes my face flush rather unattractively.”

“Your face?Unattractive?”

“You’d be surprised.You going to help me or not?”

“I guess I do owe you one.”

“Just to be clear, you actually do want to kiss me, right?”

“Fuck, yes.”Levi gasps, kissing Eren at long last.

* * *

Levi has regretted _a lot_ of the things that Hanji has manipulated him into doing.

Going to that party was not one of the things Levi regrets doing.

“After all, that’s how I met the love of my life and your papa, Gabi.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was literally all inspired by Eren's shirt:  
> https://www.lookhuman.com/design/22334-sorry-ladies-i-suck-dicks/tank-top
> 
> I find inspiration in the most random things. I needed this to work out some writer's block.
> 
> Originally, this was going to end with Eren giving Levi a blowjob but I decided to change it because a) I'm asexual so writing casual sex hookups is difficult (because it's based on purely sexual attraction) and b) it's fluffier this way.
> 
> Feel free to hit me up if you like Yuri!!! on Ice. Or Attack on Titan. Or crossovers between the two.
> 
> If you enjoyed reading this, please leave kudos, a comment, recommend it, or a combination of the above! Hope this could brighten your day!


End file.
